Lately I’ve been feeling insignificant.
Feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter.
What kind of wisdom do I hold that others would even want to read and consider?
Who am I to say or write anything?
I’m still learning. I’m just starting off in my journey as a mom and wife; four short years of being married and almost three years of being a mom. I don’t feel like I have anything really put together. How can I say, this is the way you should do it, when I haven’t truly even proven it myself? Sure, something may have worked once or for a week or even off and on occasionally, but does that give me the right to say, this is how it should be? The only absolute authority, wisdom and knowledge comes from God and His Word. But who am I to say I have even that figured out?
The more I read the Bible the more I feel like I know nothing. Sure, I read my Bible every day and do almost any Bible study going on, because I’m hungry to know more about God and to have fellowship with other believers. I go to church, every Sunday I possibly can, because it’s been so instilled in me and I love it! I’ve been through two years of Bible College, multiple camps, training programs and mission trips, but still I feel insignificant. When someone looks at me I feel like they see another face in the sea of so many, a young, 25 year old mother, who is just starting life.
Yet, I think God is using this in my life, to do as it says in John 3:30, “He must become greater, I must become less.” Teaching me humility and to surrender. It’s a hard thing to truly grasp and to practice on a day to day basis. It’s one thing to know something, but to make it ring true in my life time and time again, in every situation, is quite another. Pride and arrogance can slip in, almost unnoticed, blinding me to what I want to be and what is really going on.
I pray almost daily for the Lord to make me sensitive to His Spirit and His leading—for I am easily led astray.
I want to be a reflection of God and to shine for Him. To give Him all the glory and honor, but I also struggle with wanting to be important and wanting the praise of men.
Paul so accurately describes this struggle in Romans 7:15-25
I wish I could say I have found this magical formula that makes all my doubts disappear; that makes everything make sense, but I don’t.
The only thing I know to do is to keep on keeping on.
To continue to read my Bible every day.
To continue to pray and be open to God’s leading.
To continue to give myself up daily, asking God’s forgiveness for the times I’ve failed.
There are days though, when I don’t want to do even that. I want to just give up—completely and utterly, give up. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to sink into this big, black hole of misery, cry buckets and buckets of tears and just wither away into oblivion. I let the truth-tinted-disgusting lies saturate my thoughts into their melancholy trap of defeat and worthlessness, abandoning all hope.
I think, this too, is part of the journey. Knowing that you’re going to have those days, sometimes seasons that are dark and you can’t seem to make sense of which way is up or down. Knowing, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but not being able to fathom a glimmer of what it might look like.
Sometimes, when I’m going through such a hard time and just feel stuck, it helps to look at the ones who have gone before. Reading about the struggles that earlier Christians had to endure; how their faith was strengthened as they persevered through mind blowing circumstances, brings me hope. I am not alone and others have been through far worse than I could possibly imagine.
Need some encouragement through your battle or a list of where to start? Check out these wonderful books.
God at the Controls: A Night Escape and a Miracle Release from Colombian Guerrillas— Jean Dye Johnson
"...the guard came back and shone his light on him. Fear gripped him again.
The guard turned and walked away.
In that second, Paul sensed a gentle prodding from God..."Paul, as soon as you get your feet out of this mosquito net... I'll do my part...."
Carefully and oh, so quietly he walked away from his shelter toward the forbidden path.... A branch broke under his weight and made a loud Crack!
"Oh nooo!" Paul froze.
Bruchko – Bruce Olson
What happens when a nineteen-year-old boy leaves home and heads into the jungles to evangelize a murderous tribe of South American Indians? For Bruce Olson, it meant capture, disease, terror, loneliness, and torture. But what he discovered by trial and error has revolutionized the world of missions.
The Hiding Place – Corrie ten Boom
“I pray that God forgive them...”
Corrie Ten Boom stood naked with her older sister Betsie, watching a concentration camp matron beating a prisoner. “Oh, the poor woman,” Corrie cried. “Yes. May God forgive her,” Betsie replied. And, once again, Corrie realized that it was for the souls of the brutal Nazi guards that her sister prayed.
Both woman had been sent to the camp for helping the Jews. Christ’s Spirit and words were their guide; it was His persecuted people they tried to save—at the risk of their own lives; it was His strength that sustained them through times of profound horror.
Here is a book aglow with the glory of God and the courage of a quiet Christian spinster whose life was transformed by it. A story of Christ’s message and the courageous woman who listened and lived to pass it along—with joy and triumph!
50 People Every Christian Should Know – Warren W. Wiersbe
Does the pressure of the world feel overwhelming? Remembering the great men and women of the past---including Charles Spurgeon, Dwight Moody, Amy Carmichael, and Fanny Crosby---will inspire you to renewed strength and purpose.
End of the Spear – Steve Saint
Steve Saint was five years old when his father, missionary pilot Nate Saint, was speared to death by a primitive Ecuadorian tribe. In adulthood, Steve, having left Ecuador for a successful business career in the United States, never imagined making the jungle his home again. But when that same tribe asks him to help them, Steve, his wife, and their teenage children move back to the jungle. There, Steve learns long-buried secrets about his father's murder, confronts difficult choices, and finds himself caught between two worlds.
Through Gates of Splendor – Elisabeth Elliot
The true story of five young missionaries who were savagely killed while trying to establish communication with the Auca Indians of Ecuador. The story is told through the eyes of Elisabeth Elliot, the wife of one of the young men who was killed.
A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Charmichael – Elisabeth Elliot
A vibrant portrayal of Amy Carmichael, an Irish missionary and writer who spent fifty-three years in south India without furlough. There she became known as "Amma," or "mother," as she founded the Dohnavur Fellowship, a refuge for underprivileged children. Amy's life of obedience and courage stands as a model for all who claim the name of Christ. She was a woman with desires and dreams, faults and fears, who gave her life unconditionally to serve her Master.
Melody, a proud mother of three beautiful, adventurous children and the wife of one very loving and caring husband. Molded, daily, by the Maker of the Universe and longing to become more like Him.